Many tell me that it is easy for me to write about condemned killers, to forgive them because I am not in the situation that the family just had to go through or go through.
I will tell you that I am in exactly the same situation. I too have lost two loved ones by a crime of violence. What i want to do is, sharing my own Story, to tell Victims Families, that not everything is what it seems. And that you have sometimes discover whats underneath to get to the truth, and most importantly, to forgive.
I will never forget the day my phone rang and I was told “he killed her”. Everything indicated a murder suicide. I could not believe it.
Adrenaline shoots through the body, your body does what it wants, you sweat, you’re cold, you cry, you can barely breathe, you feel sick and finally throw up. Keeping a clear head is impossible in this situation.
Instead of trying to think clearly, I looked up the Messenger when she was last online. “Last seen online 5 hours ago”. I’ve been looking at this Little ad for so long, until the ad turned into “last online 7 hours ago”. Sleep was not to be thought of that night, nor the nights after. One cigarette after another, one coffee after another. Again and again I ask myself the question: Why? The longer I thought about it, the more anger came to me. Rage on “him”. I thought to myself, “Thank God, that he took his own life, otherwise I would have done it.” How can a human being be so cold-blooded? So selfish? So full of hate? I didn’t understand at all.
I’ve read her Messages she sent to me over and over and over again that night. It was like, i was trying to find something in the Messages, some answers, some conclusion, but i didn’t. My whole life was flashing infront of me. Memories with both of them. Good memories, fun memories, but I also discovered the sad Story, buried underneath all the memories i did not want to dig up again….
To be continued shortly. Stay tuned.